Q the Winged Serpent: Joe Bob Breaks Tradition, Larry Breaks the Chrysler, Darcy Breaks Twitter

Only one thing could make Joe Bob pre-announce a drive-in flick.For this week’s Drive-In Oath, please remove your Stetsons and observe a moment of silence for one of the greats, Mr. Larry Cohen.

It’s the last time we’ll be sad about it.

Episode 3: Information font or fount?

Either way, I spew it out!” – Joe Bob Briggs

Joe Bob’s encyclopedic insight knows no bounds. He rightly notes that Q the Winged Serpent is part horror, part monster movie, part police procedural, and 1,000% awesome. Other dishes in this kitchen sink include Aztec cult worship, multiple blood sacrifices, and a resurrected serpent god named Quetzalcoatl (hipster name Q) who turns the rooftops of New York into her own private punch bowl and salad bar. Q’s fate collides with Jimmy Quinn, a two-bit grifter who discovers her lair. While the cops, the mob, and the cult chase Jimmy, Jimmy chases a deal. He cashes in on the carnage by turning Q into a flying goldmine – leading cops to the Chrysler building where they pop a cap in the murderous serpent and her little baby, too.

The city thanks Jimmy by voiding his million-dollar deal. Fortunately, things get worse. His girlfriend kicks him out and he’s forced to defend himself from one last hater (the Aztec cult leader). Saved in the end by New York’s finest, Jimmy proclaims: I’m not afraid anymore. But his king-of-the-world moment is short-lived as the camera once again takes flight and closes in on … another guld ‘durn egg.

Drive-In Totals: The Cliff Notes
• 10 Bodies
• Heads Fly (Up?)
• Ritualistic Chest-Carving With Heart Extraction
Machine Gun Fu
• Drive-In Academy Award Nomination: Michael Moriarty
• BONUS: Joe Bob Refrigerator-Magnet-Throwin Fu

4 stars – Joe Bob says check it out.

Our episode also featured drive-in etiquette, worse-than-average Catholic jokes, gratuitous references to gratuitous mimes plus two of Joe Bob’s favorite pastimes: gluten hatin and Cohen lovin.

A Drive-In Kind of Guy
Lawrence George Cohen was his own Cohen brother – talented and original. Because he was, Q delivers the total package. Perspective and pacing. Great backdrops and performances. Air, light and rhythm.

Cinematography. Q is an aerial Jaws. Her ghostly skyscraper shadow and the shoot-out as the film nears its climax are phenomenal. It’s good news for us, bad news for the bikini-clad roof loungers who get scooped up, thrashed and eaten. No interspecies romance subplot. No Faye Wray. No trips to Skull Island.

Pacing. Story flow can make or break a film. We’re so used to jump cuts, we forget how movies used to move. Larry’s camera puts us on Tulsa Time even as we’re on the edge of our seats.

We heart NY. Q gives us New York’s gritty side – in other words every side, save for crown jewels like the Chrysler Building. Larry makes love to the Chrysler the entire film. It’s his muse. His temple. You’d never know he nearly burned it down.

Dialogue for the ages. Here’s a sampler:

Joan: The next time you hurt me, I’ll break a lamp over your head while you’re asleep!
The Cops: Shepard: Hey, what are you looking for? Powell: Looking for the head. Shepard: Won’t be much left of it. You ever drop a cantaloupe from 40 stories?
The Professor: What else is God but an invisible force that we fear?
Jimmy Quinn: I stink and I just wanna cry.

So sayeth Q’s great character actors: Candy Clark, David Carradine and Richard Roundtree, Larry Pine (looking younger than we’ve ever seen him), and Michael freakin Moriarty. Mister Moriarty’s character arc – from sulking to gloating to insufferable to taunting to crying – is one of Joe Bob’s favorites. MM rules. Had Michael not stopped tweeting in 2016, he’d have seen himself trending during Friday’s show alongside #fisting and #shunting.

Speaking of Twitter, Put out an APB
Darcy the Mail Girl (a/k/a @kinky_horror a/k/a Diana Prince) is a suspected Russian bot. Armed with a smoking smartphone and may be in disguise. Last seen in a blonde wig and booty shorts wielding an axe.

Last Call: Darcy Shows Her Versatility
While mourning the loss of the Houston Texans’ cheerleader BBQ bikini party, Joe Bob learns of Darcy’s recent scouting trip to the Carolina Panthers cheer clinic.

Joe Bob: Well good luck at betraying this show
Darcy: I can do both.
Joe Bob: And betraying the New England Patriots, cause aren’t you a big Tom Brady fan?
Darcy: I go both ways.

Set and match.

Next Up…
We go deep deep deep into the secret pervert fetish underbelly of nekkid all-night house party sex clubs that take it just a little too far …

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The Official Last Drive-In Flesh Pile Instruction Manual

Good flesh piles don’t just happen. They take weeks of forethought and planning. And while the first rule of flesh pile is never to talk about flesh pile, today we break protocol.

If you find yourself invited to a fancy Beverly Hills party whose details are shrouded in mystery, we want you to be prepared. The following instructions can be used by flesh pile participants and designers alike.

Topics include:
• Pile Members
• Shuntee Selection
• Dimensions
• Ingress and Egress
• Setting
• Scheduling and Time Limits
• Clean-Up
• Conclusion

While it ain’t rocket science, it ain’t Sea Monkeys either. Although as any experienced flesh piler/Shunter will tell you: the hotter and wetter the better.

Pile Members
No matter who you are in the pile, always give 110%. No six for eight. No trophies for participation.

10-12 participants are ideal, not counting the Shuntee, with an even mix of genders, ages, sexual preferences, and fitness levels.

Have an authority figure in the pile in case things get out of hand. We recommend a judge, senator (State or U.S.), police commissioner, or your local Chamber president. Note: The authority figure may or may not be the Fister. Some do, others teach.

Speaking of fisting, trainees are allowed in the pile. There’s no way to earn certification without supervised practicums.

Finally, we recommend having at least one redneck in the pile. Rednecks also make great Fisters. They can be a flight risk so always have an alternate. If one person bails, everyone else has to work that much harder.

Shuntee Selection
There’s no other way to say it: no runts. When I go to a party thrown by millionaires, I don’t want finger food. I want at least three courses and an aperitif with cigars and brandy after. If you go the tapas route, you will need multiple Shuntees within the pile.

A word on etiquette: There is no such thing as a first-time Shuntee as there are no repeat performances. In this life, you’re either a Shuntee, a Shunter, a Shunter/Fister, a Fister, a Fister-in-Training, an observer or oblivious.

Dimensions
While the number of participants will generally dictate the overall height, depth and girth of your flesh pile, never forget general aesthetics – what arborists would call the flesh pile’s “habit”. Keep growth range in mind. Space things out. Trim the stragglers.

Ingress and Egress
There is no one way to enter or leave a flesh pile. This excludes the Lead Fister for obvious reasons. Should fistibutts turn to fisticuffs (or vice versa), be sure you have an exit plan.

Setting
Mansions. No exceptions. The Great Texarkana Double-Wide Flesh Pile Incident of 2005 shall not be repeated.

Scheduling and Time Limits
Evening shunts work better than day shunts. Never schedule on religious holidays or observances. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are perfectly acceptable.

Time limits? None. Relax into it and go where the shunt takes you. Note: If your mother-in-law’s coming to visit and she’s not part of the flesh pile, leave plenty of time for clean-up (see next section). A mother-in-law can smell a stale shunt from a mile away.

Clean-Up
You are going to have a mess on your hands. Even the most experienced Shunters leave a puddle or two. Have a designated clean-up crew with supplies already in place (e.g., mops, buckets, ShamWow!, febreze).

Conclusion
There you have it folks. Everything you need to rock your first flesh pile. The most important instruction of all? Keep an open mind.

The flesh pile, like the drive-in, will never die.

Technical Notes
Microsoft will no longer support the FleshPileUx! 2.0 design platform on Windows 10 after October 2020. Start migrating now to avoid disruption and loss of files.

The Martha Stewart Flesh pile Expansion Pack has been discontinued

Source: The Gratuitous Blogger thanks Darcy the Mail Girl for serving as technical advisor

In Memoriam
Blanchard
Ferguson (Washington internship now available; please see Judge Carter)

Next Up:
Metal. Demons. New Zealand. Good on ya…

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