The Last Drive-In | Season 1 Week 1: Castle Freak

One Nasty Rough Pukin Flick

In the match-up between C.H.U.D. and Castle Freak, Joe Bob is clear: C.H.U.D. blows chunks. The world’s-longest bumper sticker of that might read…

MY ARTSY FARTSY CHICAGO THEATRE ACTORS TRYING TO MAKE A HORROR MOVIE BEAT UP YOUR ARTSY FARTSY NEW YORK THEATRE ACTORS TRYING TO MAKE A HORROR MOVIE

Castle Freak – in Joe Bob’s own words – is a Swiss-family tragedy set in a 13th-century Eye-talian castle inhabited by a monster with a maimed floppy wangdoodle supplemented by cannibalistic hooker nooky.

Because this doesn’t cover even half of what’s in the film, we’ve prepared these survival tips. Hang on to your hats, folks. This top 10 goes up to 11.

Top 10 Tips for Surviving Castle Freak

Tip 1: Acceptance. It’s called Castle Freak for a reason.

Tip 2: Skip a meal. Castle Freak features an All-Night Nipple Buffet and a free slice of pie for the first five customers.

Tip 3: No animals were harmed… The good news: Italy has an SPCA. The bad news: It launched in 2015.

Tip 4: You’re in the hands of horror royalty. Stuart Gordon film. H.P. Lovecraft adaptation. Dennis Paoli adaptation. Boom.

Tip 5: Know before you go. Jeffrey Combs cannot and will not catch a break. The. Entire. Film.

Tip 6: Mangled dick happens. Rock yourself. Hum Goodbye Horses. Call Felissa Rose – who will tell you that any wangdoodle works and she’s surprised Joe Bob doesn’t know that.

Tip 7: Some body parts were spared. Bad day for members, meh day for thumbs. Only one was injured in the making of Castle Freak.

Tip 8: Ahhhh, Barbara Crampton.

Tip 9: Watch Castle Freak on The Last Drive-In. And let the sweet comfort of Joe Bob wash over you.

Tip 10: If all else fails, close your eyes.

BONUS JOE BOB TIP:
If you’re fleeing from a horny nekkid lizard-skinned skeleton carcass of an arrested-development geekazoid with mangled lips, go for the chifferobe.

This week’s Stump Joe Bob: Lisa Lewis from Brownsburg, Indiana

Next Up:

Time to show Larry the love…

Joe Bob Briggs

Joe Bob Briggs is the drive-in movie critic of Grapevine, Texas, currently resident in New York City, where his pop culture commentary appears in print, on television and at various dive bars that defy the modern world by allowing the smoking of cigars.

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